because mondays are hard sometimes.

i have had a lot of moments in my life when i feel like my world sort of pops open.  the first time i felt this way, i flipped out and probably scared the poo out of my boyfriend at the time (i ended up sitting in his car for about two hours being hysterical...it was pretty awful).  suddenly i could see how things might not be okay in the end and that something slimy might creep in between the cracks of my insulated, warm and cozy reality.
kind of similar to the feeling you get when you stare at the stars for too long and think about how big everything is and how that blackness just goes on forever and no one has any idea really what is way out there...
i have been getting that feeling a lot lately. like an uncomfortable and frightening deja vu. it is not fun and i. don't. like it.
i think it is some sort of anxiety; i'm mildly flipping out about ridiculous things like days going by unnoticed...i keep catching myself thinking, "is it always going to be like this? am i always going to be like this?" and i'll be honest, that thought freaks me out.
i don't know where this feeling comes from. it just feels like everything is too big, there are too many options, and what if i don't grow up to be a strong, competent and loving person? what if i slowly fall apart? what if i somehow estrange myself from everyone i love? what if i'm already in the process of doing that? how bad could it really get?!?!
and then something little happens. something really tiny and insignificant. like the bart driver giving directions to a woman and both of them being open and smiling at each other. and the feeling goes away for a little while...what a lunatic.