on quitting smoking and stopping crying.

i quit smoking over a month ago.

i'm not going to be obnoxious and count it out to the minute and rub in how much money i've saved!!!!! cuz i'm still broke and i'm not good at counting.  but i DID quit and...it was really hard.  and it is still hard.  it is almost positively harder for my friends than it is for me and i apologize to them for that.  if i could go back in time and show my 18 year-old-self my 25 year-old-self whining and bitching and spitting fire at those closest to her i would, and then i probably wouldn't have started in the goddam first place.  but i can't.

so thank you for still loving me, or at least pretending to, even though i'm not as lovable as i was when there was nicotine coursing through my veins.  i promise i'm trying to get back to normal, it's just these darn brain chemicals.  science was never my strong subject and chemistry is hard.  hence, the crying.  and crying and crying and yes, it is all your fault.

it's possible that i am crying about a legitimate offense, or a real pain in my back, or a real frustration in my life.  however.  i am pretty damn sure that none of those things is worth seven, count 'em seven, days with break downs and crying.

i have always struggled with getting sad, and then sadder and then really really just bummed the fuck out until i can't get out of bed to save my life (translation: gpa/paycheck/job) and before i know it i have four huge zits on my face, no groceries and ten more pounds.   i have been like this since i hit puberty (thanks boobs.)
i know that when i get like this i am really hard to be around, and really hard to deal with - try living IN HERE.  it's not fun for me either.  but i have been doing so much better for the last year, thanks largely to the birth of my band and those two besties o' mine that came along with it.  quitting smoking has thrown a wrench into that streak of happy and the last two months have been pretty....uh...crappy.

but i've quit smoking. and my friends are still here. and i didn't gain fifty pounds in the process.  and it's gonna be ok.  i frickin' swear.  and i feel a lot better today.